I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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