new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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