I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
