my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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