My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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