Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It was confusing and full of hummus
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
