i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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