The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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