Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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