gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
