I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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