i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
