I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
