It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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