I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
