ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
high people should be assigned attendants
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
