My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
