alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
