The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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