listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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