My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
