just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
