remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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