u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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