I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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