Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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