just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
