Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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