Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
