i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
