I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
