I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
