This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
