i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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