someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
