I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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