the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He passed out mid-signature
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
