I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
