I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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