Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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