Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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