She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize