Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish I only lived at night.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I fill condoms, not promises.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
