I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
