just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize