True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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