i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
