i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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