I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
