I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
