we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
