Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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