is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
