I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize