I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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