There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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