she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
