I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
