Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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