I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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