oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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