At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
