I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
