Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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