Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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