I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
