How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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