well you can't waste a boner
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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