So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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