Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize